We're A Little Late Folks
Poker Friday night, Clark's Christmas party in May on Saturday, the Miramonte spring play on Sunday, and first thing you know, the column is late. Several of you made very interesting contributions which will appear in the column, albeit later than you expected. I apologize for the delay. I hope you can still find time to read a column that doesn't pop up in your box on Sunday night.
Cult of Personality
Frankly, it is all too reminiscent of the bird people who worshipped Arthur Dent (and built a gigantic statue of him throwing a teacup) in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Mrs. S asked me if I'd like to stop by the journalism room to see what impact I had on the students during the day I substituted, especially on the "boys corner" (these are the people who thought it would be interesting to write about the problem of birds pooping on students).
There was a picture of me posted, with the word "My Hero" written on it. There was also a "Schindler's list of quotes," which listed several things I said while I was there, including "Question leads are cheesy" and "An anecdote is the best lead for a personality profile." They also quoted me as saying, "I'm just a victim of my hormones," but that doesn't really ring a bell. There are several other quotes there as well.
It was flattering and scary at the same time. I still think I want to be a high school journalism advisor. I think. But Mrs. S and I agreed that substitutes are the grandmothers of the teaching profession: we get the kids for a short while, spoil them rotten, then leave the results for the parents (teachers) to clean up.
I got two reactions to this. From my daughter Rae:
Dad, you grow up so fast. I'm proud of you sport!
And from my ex-teacher mother
It was a delight to read, especially since it made me remember the really good side of teaching! And don't let them kid you, substitutes can just as easily be the devil's spawn and if you look back to your school days, you'll remember that most of them were the dregs of humanity!! You got a good response from your students as a sub and you would get the same response from them if you were their regular teacher. They would know that you loved what you were doing and loved being with them and that's the secret to being successful and making a difference -- congrats and allow yourself to enjoy every minute of such positive feedback - you deserve it!
Briefly
Dan Piraro's Bizarro daily comic panel, always good, outdid itself with this cartoon on child rearing.
Jon Carroll of the San Francisco Chronicle did yet another of his unbelievably good cat columns:
A dangerous time for cats
Jon Carroll
San Francisco Chronicle
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
AMONG THE MOST dangerous enemies of the domestic cat is the human foot. The foot is neither agile nor intelligent. It often hits the ground unseen by its owner, the human brain.
I would have said less, but I ran out of time. |
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The Top 15 Names for the Upcoming Rolling Stones Tour
I'll never be able to write comedy for a living. I sweat over my entries and don't make the list. I toss off three entries in three minutes, and one makes the list at No. 3, while the other two were both runners up. Oh well, at least I'm not Stan Freberg, who says writing is easy: "All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until little beads of blood pop out on your forehead." Writing isn't hard for me. Maybe it should be harder. Anyway, here's my bronze medal effort.
May 16, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The Rolling Stones recently announced that they're going back on the road again -- no doubt doing 40 in the fast lane with their turn signal stuck in the "on" position.
15> The "Time Ain't on Our Side" Tour
14> The "Shaky Fingers" Tour
13> The "Steel Wheelchairs" Tour
12> Geezerpalooza
11> The "Pleased to Meet You, I Forget My Name" Tour
10> The "It's All Right Now -- I Think It Was Gas" Tour
9> The "Keith Richards DeathWatch 2002" Tour
8> The "Gimme Seltzer" Tour
7> The "Beggar's Early-Bird-Special Banquet" Tour
6> Viagra presents the "Start Me Up" Tour
5> The "Angie-o-plasty" Tour
4> The "We Know, It's Oldies Rock & Roll... But We Milk It" Tour
3> The "We're Sure We Left Our Glasses in One of These Stadiums" Tour
2> The "Hey! You! Get Off of My Lawn!" Tour
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for the Upcoming Rolling Stones Tour...
1> The "Let It Bleed (Do Not Resuscitate)" Tour
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
================
Selected from 128 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------
Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 1 (4th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 3
The Top 16 Changes in Movies From the Clean Video Store
No. 15 and the only bullet is in my momentum towards the Hall of Fame
May 20, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Some video stores edit the movies they rent, "cleaning them up" by removing scenes that they determine to be offensive. Here at TopFive, we were wondering just what sort of changes one might expect...
16> Deep Throat -- The film repeatedly jumps to a scene of Mary Poppins pulling umbrellas in and out of her carpet bag while "A Spoonful of Sugar" plays in the background.
15> Star Wars II: The Empire Strikes Back -- Vader stops just before cutting off Luke's hand, then the two walk away from the camera as Vader says, "Luke, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
14> The Exorcist -- Demonic Linda Blair taunts poor Father Karras by saying, "Your mother missed mass once in Heaven!"
13> Deliverance -- Backwoods rednecks force Ned Beatty to sit in a corner wearing a dunce cap.
12> The Last Temptation of Christ -- The Lord must decide whether to eat the remaining donut.
11> Titanic -- Jack does a marvelous sketch of a bowl of fruit.
10> Sixth Sense -- Gary Coleman spliced over Haley Joel Osment, saying over and over, "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Bruce Willis? I don't see no dead people!"
9> Boogie Nights -- Strategically inserted stripes change the story into one in which a foot-long snake has bitten Mark Wahlberg and refuses to let go.
8> Psycho -- In the shower scene, Tony Perkins scrubs Janet Leigh with a loofah sponge, and only in areas she can't reach herself.
7> 9 1/2 Weeks -- Now just 9 1/2 minutes.
6> Swordfish -- Much-hyped shot of Halle Berry's breasts replaced by less-hyped shot of John Travolta's flabby man-boobs.
5> Basic Instinct -- Michael Douglas interviews an actual beaver as the chief suspect.
4> When Harry Met Sally -- Audio track during fake orgasm scene replaced by Ethel Merman singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses."
3> Silence of the Lambs -- Hannibal the Vegan sneers, "I once ate a nice soy-protein burger with organic fava beans and a delicious wheatgrass smoothie!"
2> The Crying Game -- Stephen Rea freaks out when he discovers his girlfriend has an outie.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Change in a Movie From the Clean Video Store...
1> American Pie -- "This one time, at bible camp..."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
=======================
Selected from 105 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
--------------------------------
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 1 (22nd #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 15
The Top 15 Signs You May Be Too Gullible
I'm No. 13 here
May 13, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
If you read our recent Amazing-but-True Facts list and have been trying to figure out if a cat can really sound like Barry White, we've got another list for you...
The Top 15 Signs You May Be Too Gullible
15> QVC just made you their "Customer of the Decade."
14> Your Circuit City sales flyers arrive addressed to "Mr. Extended Warranty."
13> President Clinton said he did NOT have sexual relations with that woman. And you, for one, believe him.
12> Although you actually do own the Brooklyn Bridge, someone managed to talk you into buying the *other* one.
11> You're still hoping Rob and Fab are planning a comeback.
10> Not only do you subscribe to 150 different magazines, you're the proud owner of a "Welcome, Ed McMahon!" door mat.
9> You commonly refer to George W. Bush as "President."
8> You credit your fresh juice regimen as the reason Anna Nicole finds an 85-year-old like yourself attractive.
7> "Is this where I get Detroit Lions season tickets?"
6> It's May of 2002, and you're still eating beans from your Y2K stockpile.
5> You felt pretty good about yourself when you only paid $100 for that $250 cookie recipe.
4> "Dude! 'Attack of the Clones' is *so* much better!"
3> You once traded a 1938 Joe DiMaggio rookie card for a 1997 Topps "Mo Vaughn eating a plate of ribs" card.
2> The $13,000 you paid to help that Nigerian transfer $30,000,000 into the States was going to pay for this week's Amway order.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You May Be Too Gullible...
1> Your dad still has your nose.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
=========================
Selected from 105 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------
Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 1 (11th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13
Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clone
You want the facts? Go to the Internet Movie Database.
It was worth seeing. It was better than Phantom Menace, and even better than The Empire Strikes Back although not quite as good as A New Beginning.
Yes, I did go to a nearly sold-out midnight show at a suburban multiplex. I was wiped out the next day, but it is a pleasure to see the film with real fans.
It makes me sorry that Lucas has decided not to follow through on his one-time suggestion that he would do episodes 7, 8 and 9 as well. We'll get the back-story, but we won't, it seems find out what happened to the gang, at least not from Lucas.
Those of you who have been paying attention have heard that the film was shot digitally. I have seen other digital films; this is the first one that is completely indistinguishable from a "wet" film. There is only one scene in the entire film with digital artifacts--the background seemed mottled when Anakin and Padmé were on a picnic. This could, of course, just as easily been a lousy print artifact.
I understand Lucas achieved this "looks just like film" effect by, in essence, degrading the digital product until it contained a sufficient number of film artifact visual clues to fool us. If so, that is sad, but will be required for a while, just as the first cars needed buggy whip holders.
Amid all the blather written about this film, the best two paragraphs appeared at the end of the review by the frequently insightful Mick LaSalle in the San Francisco Chronicle (Lucas' hometown newspaper):
Yet this won't matter to the faithful, who will receive Attack of the Clones as though it were a fifth Gospel, not a fifth Star Wars movie. The surprise, or rather the disappointment, is that once again Lucas seems to have made a movie for that audience. Unlike the first "Star Wars," made for a general audience in search of a good time, Attack of the Clones is pitched to a cult audience sure to catch every reference, follow every story convolution and receive every eccentric character as a jewel formed by the mind of God.
Lucas knows his fans are un-boreable, un-annoyable and inexhaustible. For an artist, that's more a curse than a blessing.
Digital Projection
Digital projection of motion pictures is in the news again with the release of Star Wars II, since Lucas shot and edited the film entirely in a digital format. When he began work, he had hoped to limit exhibition to digital theaters, but had he followed through, the movie would be on about 75 screens in 50 cities instead of some 3,161 screens. That number, by the way, is 450 fewer than Spider-Man because Lucas won't let the movie be shown in just any old ill-equipped theater.
He's right about digital projection, but, alas, there is a chicken and egg dilemmas; the $100,000 cost of a digital projector falls on the exhibitor, while the multi-million dollar savings, over time, accrue to the distributor. Hmm. Maybe the distributors should buy the projectors for the exhibitors? Well duh. But the movie industry is almost as stupid as the TV industry, so it hasn't happened yet and won't happen any time soon.
I have commented on digital projection here before; I saw Monsters Inc. at the AMC 1000 cinema on San Francisco's Van Ness Theater Row, and commented on the format's obvious advantages. That same theater is showing Star Wars II, but with the exception of the 12:45 a.m. show, has been sold out since it opened. I will see it in digital this week and report back to you. At least I don't still live in my hometown of Portland, Oregon, where those desiring to see the film projected digitally have to take a three-hour drive to Seattle.
I believe the arguments over digital film projection are as specious as those over music CDs, and in exactly the same way.
It is true that a record, being an analog record of an analog phenomenon, is a more precise representation of sound than a CD. A perfect record, in perfect condition, played on a perfect turntable through a perfect sound system will produce an excellent listening experience. All things being average, the experience is sub-par. And most people, most of the time, don't hear records played on turntables with a granite base and a rosewood pickup arm. For 99.9% of the people, 99.9% of the time, a CD provides better sound, longer, than an LP.
It is also true that a clean 35 mm (or better yet, 70 mm) print of a film, properly struck and properly projected is a more accurate depiction of what happened in front of the camera than a digital projection. No one outside of a studio screening room ever sees a movie like that. That's one big reason why movie critics criticize digital projection. They actually see pristine prints projected by competent projectionists. The rest of us see badly handled, scratched, spliced prints projected by minimum wage high-school dropouts. Once again, the perfect is the enemy of the good. For 99.9% of the people, 99.9% of the time, a digitally projected movie will be a more satisfying experience than one projected from film. Period. End of discussion. No jitter, no scratches, no dirt, no splices: just the movie. Having experienced that once, I can barely tell you how odd it seems.
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