The Diary Of A Pseudoglobulin*

*a half-hearted Halloween celebrant

by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

This Halloween the scariest thing is Arnold Schwarzenegger's sweeping victory!

9 a.m.
School bus leaves. Stop into CVS pharmacy. Stock medicine cabinet with Pepto-Bismol.

9:45 a.m.
Purchase Halloween card for hubby. Hallmark card reads: "Beware! It's Halloween, and there's somebody just waiting to jump out and grab you...and hold you and hug you and kiss you..." Love, Marge

9:55 a.m.
Prepare sign to be posed tomorrow:

NOTICE: WE ARE NO LONGER GIVING PREMIUM CANDY BARS TO ANYONE WEARING AN ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, MARTHA STEWART, RUSH LIMBAUGH, OR FREDDY KRUEGER COSTUME!

10:30 a.m.
Check the dictionary for the meaning of "wicaphobia." Yes, it is defined as a "fear of witches."

11:00 a.m.
Check Web TV for Knock Knock jokes. Good reading practice for the kids!!!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Wood. Wood, who? Wood you come Trick-or-Treating with me?

12:00 Calculate the amount of fabric needed to make the orange part of a pumpkin costume. Assume the pumpkin will be 30" in diameter and 15" inches high.

12:05 Contact Stanley Kaplan, the test maven, for help.

1:00 p.m.
Hide the newspaper article about the house in Amityville, NY, which was the site of a mass murder in 1974. (The children will definitely want to visit the house.)

3:00 p.m.
Meet schoolbus. Discuss plans for Halloween.

4:00 p.m.
Assist children with math homework.

Problem 1. If every fourth trick-or-treater is a vampire, and every 6th is a robot, how many of each will you see if 75 trick-or- treaters come to your door?

Problem 2. Your little brother left two minutes ago on his bike to ride with his friends to the cemetery. If he pedals at 5 mph. to the cemetery, which is 2 miles from here, and I go the back way (2 l/2 miles), so he won't see the car, how fast do I have to drive Dad's car to get there at least a full minute head of him so I can hide and scare them?

6:00 p.m.
Dinner.

7:30 Stop at library to borrow Jerry Seinfeld's book, "Halloween." (According to Seinfeld, the trick-or- treating mindset involves two words: 'GET CANDY!")

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31

6:30 a.m.
Give hubby his Halloween card. Remind him of Richard A. Moran's Rule #315: "Never dress up for Halloween as the Chairman of the Board." (He's normally the $595 "custom suit" guy who buys his wardrobe at Hong Kong Custom Tailors.)

6:45 a.m.
Share a cup of DECAFFINATED coffee.

7:00 a.m.
Tactfully remind hubby NOT to deposit his Friday paycheck at Apple Bank while wearing his Julius Caesar XXL costume. (In 1993, one bank posted this sign:)

WE WILL BE UNABLE TO TRANSACT BUSINESS FOR ANY CUSTOMER WEARING A MASK OR FACIAL DISGUISE.

7:15 a.m.
Remove Superman costume from box. Read warning label: "Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly."

7:30 a.m.
Awaken children. During breakfast they study these lines: "Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap..."

8:00 a.m.
Children read TV listings: Martha Stewart tells "How to Carve Great Faces for Halloween"

(Part II) Cell Decor - It's the little Halloween touches that matter when a woman's decorating her cell

9:00 a.m.
Children board bus.

9:15 a.m.
Stop into bank for 200 pennies, just in case I run out of candy.

l0 a.m.
Read newspaper headines:

THE GOD SQUAD (Rabbi Marc Gellman and Msgr. Thomas Hartman) discuss spiritually correct costume ideas. They oppose costumes that glorify violent TV characters or evil world leaders like SaddamHussein. "Hey, with a bow tie, a Yarmulke and a priestly collar, your son and a friend could even dress up like the God Squad."

10:30 a.m.
Look under bed for missing Superman cotton boxers, featuring a large Superman "S" shield.

11:00 a.m.
Faster than a speeding bulet, visit the local Kmart to purchase boxers.

12 noon Find 11" x 14" sign made by kids:

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL HALLOWEEN CANDY FROM THY CHILDREN

1:00 p.m.
Calculate the temperature for Halloween by counting the nuber of chirps a cricket makes in 14 seconds. Add 40 and you have the temperature, according to the Old Farmer's Almanac.

Keep repeating, "Halloween is a holiday which encourages interaction between family members...Halloween is a..."

1:30 p.m.
Check batteries in all the flashlights. Load camera. Examine--for the third time--that all cosumes ae fire resistant.

2:00 p.m.
Call local dentist who buys back Halloween candy to ensure a healthy holiday for all children. Inquire whether he's still paying $1 for each pound of candy turned in.

2:30 p.m.
Read the history of Halloween according to the late Erma Bombeck: "Everyone knows the history of Halloween. A group of dentists got together with Martha Stewart and decided to create a cavity/designer costume festival where children dress up, knock on doors, and end up with enough sweets to last them through spring."

3:00 p.m.
Children arrive home. A two-year-old arrives at the door and says, "Twick 'r Tweat."

3:05 p.m.
Daughter announces the meaning of MISERY: When it's Halloween and you are a ballerina and your mother makes you wear a coat and nobody sees your beautiful costume.

3:15 p.m.
Discuss Rich Hall's Sniglet, "disconfect": v. to sterilize the piece of {Halloween} candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all germs.

3:30 p.m.
Snack time. "Jack-O-Lantern Sand-Witches."

4:00 p.m.
Escort children Trick-or-Treating. Kids are reminded not to eat any treats until Mom, Dad, Grandma, Granda, and Gil Grissom, the forensics wizard of CSI inspects each piece.

6:00 p.m.
Dinner: A Fredie Kruger Platter containing Dracula's Vampire Wings (Buffalo Wings), Goblin Sticks (Mozzarella sticks with tomato sauce), and Transylvania Meat Balls (Swedish meat balls).

6:30 p.m.
Husband arrives home. He immediately gets online with feisty Dr. Phil McGraw to determine if Trick-or-Treating with one's children is a meaningful experience. Phil says that "what mattes is family. Stop talking and start doing something."

6:45 p.m.
Dad accompanies children for the second round of Trick-or-Treating.

8:30 p.m.
Children--and dad--arrive home and divide candy into two piles: Name brand wrapped candy...and nonedible treats--pennies, novelty erasers, bookmarks, colored pencils, etc.

8:45 p.m.
Children begin debates, trades and consultations which rival any marathon work the UN might accomplish. They talk about the neighbor on the cul-de-sac who had the NERVE to hand out the dreaded box of raisins.

9:00 p.m.
Use pumpkin cold cream to clean the childrens' faces.

9:45 p.m.
Halloween 2003 is over. Thank God. Check calendar. Only 55 days to Christmas.

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is a retired business educator and free-lance writer.

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