I Could Have Sworn I Parked It Right Here

by Marjorie Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Senior citizens seem to be having a problem: They can't find their cars in the crowded parking lots at shopping centers. I'm standing in front of Bed, Bath & Beyond trying to remember where I parked my red Honda. I thought I had parked it in front of Sears. I noticed several other people experiencing a "senior moment" and they weren't coming down with Alzheimer's.

I approached one of the women and she said, "Don't make a Gantseh Megillah (Yiddish for "a big deal") out of it. The first person who locates their car can drive the other two people around the parking lot in search of their car." We agreed.

Perhaps if I owned a blue Dodge truck with the imprint "OH-KAY PLUBING AND HEATING" ("Home Alone"), I wouldn't have that problem. Or, if I drove the cultar of the 60s, a Mini Cooper, or a '58 Edsel Bermuda, a '55 T-Bird, a '77 Mustang Giha, or a White Ford Bronco like O.J. drove before a national audience, locating the car would be a simple matter. Instead, I own a general car (Camrys, Accords, or Ford Explorers).

After many years of losing my car at Roosevelt Field, (NY) it became obvious that I needed a strategy to deal with the problem.

Rumor has it that AARP will soon be publishing a pamphlet that offers helpful hints for avoiding the lost car problem. Until it becomes available, here are my suggestions:

1. Become "transportation disadvantaged." Stay home and shop by catalog or on the Internet. Celebrate "Buy Nothing Day."

2. Only shop on important religious holidays. They're the ones on which alternate-side- of-the-street parking is suspended.

3. Only shop in malls where valet parking is available.

4. Time your trips to the mall. Try to shop in the evenings or when stores open--early in the morning.

5. Always attempt to park in the same place. Look for The Gap, Starbucks, Victoria's Secret, T.J. Max, or any other easily recognizable store.

6. Write down the location. Use a Post-it note tacked to your driver's license.

7. Use your remote. Point the remote to the parking lot and whichever car lights up, that's yours.

8. Tie a colorful ribbon around the door handle or on the antenna. A pale peach ribbon, the color of Hillary Rodham Clinton's suit, which she wore when she visited the Roosevelt Estate in Hyde Park, should work. Better yet, buy a ribbon the color of Ralph Lauren's paint line--Mariner Blue or Relay Red. This usually works as long as no one steals the ribbon--or "nisht do gedacht!" (Yiddish for "it shouldn't happen") the car. Look at the brighter side of things--whenever a car is stolen, it creates another parking spot.

9. Order a vanity license plate. The car is more easily found. Ex. LUV2RITE (the writer's), H20GATE (G. Gordon Liddy), 2THLADY (a dental hygienist), GOLDNYRS, ABE (for a Lincoln).

10. Drive a '58 Edsel Bermuda. (In its entire 3-year-run, Ford only sold 11,847 Edsels), a Winnebago,a Good Humor truck, a Ryder truck (similar to the one used to deliver 462,644 presidential ballots from Palm Beach to Tallahassee), or a "beater"--any car with over 100,000 miles on it. Other suggestions for easily-identifiable vehicles: a '67 Rambler, or an Aston Martin DB-5 (James Bond's customized automobile).

11. Never park near a "Buster Brown"--a UPS truck. They'll be gone long before you return to your car.

12. Locate a teenager who's riding the Razor Scooter--the object of obsessions with today's kids. Offer a generous tip if they can find your car.

13. Drive a second-hand car; you can always hear it knocking.

14. In searching for your lost car, keep in mind that walking briskly for 25 minutes burns off 100 calories.

15. When your mate or "significant other" expresses anger or frustration when you can't locate the car, just use the following Latin expression: "Carro Cants Cani veharis posthac." (Next time you'll take the bus.) In Yiddish, just say,"Gey klap zikh kop in vant!" (Go bang your head against the wall.)

16. Traveling/parking outside of New York poses some additional problems. If you own a Cadillac, you'll have no trouble finding your car in Beverly Hills. According to Jackie Mason, everyone in Beverly Hills drives a Mercedes. And there's more Rolls-Royces in Beverly Hills. If a guy has a Cadillac, he's embarrassed by it. Mason says," He has a whole speech prepared. "This is not my regular car. I don't know who left it here..."

17. If you're driving through Lake Wobegon, MN, Garrison Keillor's fictional world, park near the Statue of the Unknown Norwegian, or in the parking lot of Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility. If you choose to park in Higgledy-Piggledy in St. Cloud, with its two acres of food, a meat counter a block long with walloping roasts and steaks big enough to choke a cow, you'll NEVER find your car.

18. For more advice, call the Car Guy (pronounced "the Kah Guys"), Tom and Ray Magliozzi at CarTalkcom. The famous funny duo, however, don't promise to respond personally and promptly to each piece of e-mail they receive. My Dec. 31st e-mail received the following reply:

As a matter of fact, we're currently answering a letter from Mrs. Edith Thombacher. It's from September 12...uh, 1971, (by the way, Edith, if you're still alive, sell the car, divorce your husband, and good luck beating the police rap.) We're sure the mailman had it coming. But really--a wood Chipper? Love, Tom and Ray!

P.S. In the future, please do us a favor and submit the answer to your question along with the question itself. That saves us a lot of work

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of a new book titled, Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish Trivia(Malka Publications, ISBN 0-615-12507-7), $12 at Borders Books & Music or from

Malka Publications
19 Market Dr.
Syosset, NY 11791
$12 (plus $3 shipping and handling)