Remember When

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of your girlfriend
And gig was a job for the night;
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega-bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV (or radio!) show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while!

Logon was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back-up happened to your commode;

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was just a spider's home
And a virus was usually the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's ever been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
###
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
###
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt
cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
###
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
###
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
###
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
###
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
###
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
###
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
###
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
###
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
###
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
###
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
###
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to
cross before you believe it?
###
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
###
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
###
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and
Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
###
Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
###
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan
to find the chicken a job in New York.
###
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in
a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to
her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite
and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this
was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style
Golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges
every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the
great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine of the World laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter
replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you
Like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
And stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If
it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years
ago!"

This is a real Web site that recently launched. check it out!!!

Demotivators -- http://www.despair.com/
Tools for the pessimists, underacheivers, and chronically unsuccessful

This is a great parody, referencing most of the big hoaxes running
around on the internet! [Note: This story is a parody and *all* the
events mentioned in the story are the subjects of hoax letters
floating around the Internet. If you see any of them, DO NOT forward
them to other people. And do not forward *any* such things unless you
can verify that they are true. Almost any letter like this from
anyone you don't know personally are hoaxes, even if someone you know
forwarded it to you. Let's stamp out these hoaxes!]


I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of KFC. One day he went to
sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice
and he was sore all over.

When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN
STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, "Call 911!"

He was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his
computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his
hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew
it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was
working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000
rolls around.

His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers
get together and distribute the $600 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under
the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in
a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a
free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to
everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his
missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed
with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said,
"Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where
that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is
for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American
Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he
receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's
and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20
people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK
luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK
FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on
the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on.
To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as
part of a gang initiation.

And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark
Ages.

In light of what is transpiring today in the Senate - this seems even more
ironic!
<< Let's Imagine ...

It's time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.

Candidate A:
+ Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
+ He's had two mistresses.
+ He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
+ Was kicked out of office twice.
+ Sleeps until noon.
+ Used opium in college.
+ Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C:
+ Is a decorated war hero.
+ He's a vegetarian
+ Doesn't smoke,
+ Drinks an occasional beer
+ Hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice?


You don't really need any more information, do you?


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Ralph and Mabel would soon be celebrating 40 years of being happily married...

When they first got married, Ralph said: "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage, Mabel never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1,874.23 in small bills and change. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner Mabel could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. I now need to know why do you keep those bottles in the box under the bed?"

Ralph thought for a while and said: "I guess, after all these wonderful years, you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I drank a beer because I was so sad about what I had done. Then I put the empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it ever again."

Mabel, quite shocked, shook her head: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess, after all this time, temptation does happen -- and I guess that three times in 40 years is not that bad, considering all the good times we have had together..."

They hugged and made their peace.

Then Mabel asked: "But why do you have all that money in the box?"

Ralph smiled sheepishly: "Well... whenever the box filled with empties, I just cashed them in."

THE NATIONAL SCIENCE FOUNDATION ANNOUNCED THE FOLLOWING STUDY RESULTS ON
CORPORATE AMERICA RECREATION PREFERENCES:

1. SPORT OF CHOICE FOR MAINTENANCE LEVEL EMPLOYEES: BOWLING
2. SPORT OF CHOICE FOR FRONT LINE WORKERS: FOOTBALL
3. SPORT OF CHOICE FOR SUPERVISORS: BASEBALL
4. SPORT OF CHOICE FOR MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: TENNIS
5. SPORT OF CHOICE FOR CORPORATE OFFICERS: GOLF

CONCLUSION:

THE HIGHER YOU ARE IN THE CORPORATE STRUCTURE, THE SMALLER YOUR BALLS.

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just
in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Baby Boomers - Then and Now

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President

Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?.
Now: Depends

Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"

Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmm

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

<<Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes.


What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."


The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least five pounds."
> >
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
Blonde nods."I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."
> >
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

> > ********************************************************
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day,
she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car
easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter
in your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car
anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,
"Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
****************************************************
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts,"how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side."
****************************************************

NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set
of tracks.
One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde
said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. >>

A funeral service is
being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end
of the service the
pallbearers are carrying
the casket out, when they
accidentally bump into a
wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and
find that the woman is
actually alive.

She lives for ten more
years and then dies. A
ceremony is again held at the
same place and at
the end of the ceremony
the pallbearers are again
carrying out the casket.


As they are walking the
husband cries out, "Watch
out for the wall!"

Here's a good one from the US:

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble...

Dormitory Dirty Room

Evangelist Evil's Agent

Desperation A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code Here Come Dots

Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity Is No Amity

Mother-in-law Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness Genuine Class

Semolina Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

Contradiction Accord not in it

This one's truly amazing:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

The WashPost Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to alter any word from
the dictionary by adding, subtracting or changing just one letter, and supply
a new definition:


Recent winners:

reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.

giraffiti: vandalism spray painted...very, very high.

tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who
just doesn't "get it".

unbrella: the umbrella that just doesn't work anymore.

inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

hipatitis: terminal coolness, dude.

osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

karmageddon: its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and its like a serious
bummer.

glibido: all talk and no action.

dopeller effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you really fast.

intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much
to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway
saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of
her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit,
and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. About 50 yards away, the rabbit stopped,
turned around and waved. It then hopped down the road, another 50 yards or
so, turned and waved again. The rabbit would hop along and turn and wave
about every 50yards.

The man was astonished. He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your
spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. "Hair
spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn
upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just
kept those 5 year olds away from fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
TWO ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.

A photographer, a reporter and an editor -- are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the photographer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!" Poof! He's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! me next!" says the reporter, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseur, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," says the Genie to the editor.

The editor says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

MICROSOFT INTERNAL MEMO

TO: WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

FROM: Blondie, Chief Y2K IT Engineer

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting the months on all of the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready and will have the right months...

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

Please note that none of the other months have a Y to change to a K.

All,

======================================================= Computer Virus Warning

Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus (A Strain Of The Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but itvill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.