Bush Speech Semi-Final Draft

Given George Bush's woeful ignorance of how to preserve and protect the national security of the United States or even how to keep an unclassified document secure (let alone one which is actually classified), PSACOT's editorial staff thought it would be possible to obtain a copy of one of the almost final drafts of Bush's speech on Sunday night, September 7, 2003. So we asked out bureau chief in the capital of the world's oldest democracy to see if a copy could be obtained. Sure enough, after receiving our request, the PSACOT Moscow bureau chief located and sent the available portions of the next to last draft of the speech (for the reader's convenience, the text as delivered is in normal type and the deleted portions are in BOLD TYPE).

Good evening. Since I have been on vacation for the last month while many brave American soldiers unnecessarily gave their lives in Iraq due to my stupidity and the need to get some money to Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton and some oil for Condoleeza Rice's friends at Chevron who named one of their tankers for her, I asked for this time to give you the idea I was going to keep you informed of America's actions in what Karl Rove, Don Rumsfeld and I refer to (when we're not laughing our heads off at the gullibility of the American people) as the war on terror. To be honest, there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with the events of 9/11/01 but every time I make one of these thinly veiled references I convince a few more Americans (on top of the 70% who have already been fooled) that there was a connection.

Nearly two years ago, following deadly attacks on our country which could have been entirely prevented if I had paid attention during the briefing on August 6, 2001, when I was warned that terrorists were planning to hijack American planes and fly them into buildings in the very near future and then done something other than disappear on vacation for the next month, we began a systematic campaign against many who were actually interested in the national security of the United States. These months have been a time of new responsibilities and sacrifice (for example Senator Paul Wellstone) and national resolve and great progress (in maximizing my campaign contributions and the number of lies I can tell and actually have my fellow citizens believe).

We acted in Iraq, where the former regime sponsored terror against Iran at the request of and with the support of Ronald Reagan, Donald Rumsfeld, and George H.W. Bush, possessed and used (for the last time about 15 years ago) weapons of mass destruction given to Iraq by Reagan and Rumsfeld and for 12 years the United States without UN approval kept attacking Iraqi planes in the so-called "no-fly" zones and thus defied the clear demand of the UN Security Council that hostilities cease. Through maintenance of the sanctions for 12 years the U.S. and the U.N. also managed to murder about 500,000 Iraqi children who couldn't get the food and medical care they needed.

Five months after I was flown onto that aircraft carrier and stood in front of a sign which said "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" and alleged that major combat operations had ended and that we liberated Iraq, a collection of killers (many of whom would not be in Iraq if I had not advocated an unconstitutional war in violation of international law) have managed to kill more American soldiers than died in Iraq before I swaggered on the aircraft carrier and is desperately trying to undermine Iraq's progress toward the Stone Age with U.S. assistance and throw the country into more chaos than America's misguided ignorant efforts have caused.

Before the illegal and unconstitutional invasion of Iraq by the United States, Donald Rumsfeld, when asked whether he knew where Iraq's weapons of mass destruction were located, said that Iraq's WMD were in and around Baghdad and a little bit east and a little bit west and a little bit south and a little bit north of Baghdad. In short neither Don nor I had a clue and don't to this day. In that spirit, given that there have been no arrests and convictions of any alleged killers, I'm going to tell you who is killing our soldiers. Some of the attackers are members of the old Saddam regime who fled the battlefield and now fight in the shadows. Some of the attackers are foreign terrorists who have come to Iraq to pursue their war on America and other free nations. We cannot be certain to what extent these groups work together. In short, neither Don nor I have a clue about this either.

The terrorists have killed civilian aid workers of the United Nations who represent the compassion and generosity of the world and the organization whose sanctions caused the needless deaths of 500,000 innocent Iraqi children over the last 12 years. They have bombed the Jordanian embassy, the symbol of a peaceful Arab country which following lawful procedures tried and convicted Ahmed Chalabi of fraud which should have led someone to consider whether he could be relied upon to tell the truth. This is the same Ahmed Chalabi who was flown along with his militia into Iraq by the U.S. before the end of major combat operations, who was named to the Governing Council of Iraq by the United States despite his absence from Iraq for the last 40 years, and who provided a lot of self-serving faulty intelligence before the invasion which intelligence led to many American deaths.

Our strategy in Iraq has three objectives: electing a Republican President in 2004, electing a Republican House of Representatives in 2004, and electing a Republican Senate in 2004 (and if I have to slander any more patriotic Democrats the way I accused Max Cleland of being a traitor last fall bring them on and I'll do it in a second to get them out of the Senate the same way I helped replace Cleland with a man who never served in the armed services. By the way Max, serving as one of those brave American soldiers I talk about all the time, sacrificed three of his limbs in Vietnam in the service of our beloved country while I was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard.

Our laughable strategy in Iraq will require new resources. We have not conducted a thorough assessment of our military and reconstruction needs in Iraq and also in Afghanistan (which I've willfully ignored for the last 18 months). I will soon request $87 billion. This will take time and require sacrifice from everyone except my campaign contributors. To pay for the $87 billion, I could advocate repeal of the $107.8 billion in tax breaks being given to the richest Americans in the next fiscal year but then they might stop contributing to my campaign.

The heaviest burdens in our war on terror fall, as always, on the men and women of our armed forces from which I was AWOL and our intelligence services which my father misled. Thus, following tradition, I've decided to propose keeping the heaviest burdens on our armed forces by cutting military and veterans' benefits because if I did anything else I'd have to suggest taking those tax breaks away from my biggest campaign contributors.

And we mourn every American who has died so bravely so far from home due to my stupidity, ignorance, lies, laziness, and advocacy of an unnecessary, unconstitutional, and illegal invasion which destroyed the totally successful containment of Saddam Hussein and his regime, which containment endured for the last 12 years and showed every sign of continuing success far beyond the expected lifetime of Saddam Hussein.

We do not accept the duties of our generation. We are active and resolute in our own defense and if you want to see real resolution in defense just wait until someone goes on trial for what has happened over the last few years.

Dave Methvin's PC Pitstop