Everything gets back to normal so fast, it's like I wasn't even down there!! Except for some terrific memories, and wait till you see some of the pictures -

WASHINGTON (AP) - The antitrust case against Microsoft had been underway for more than a month when the government suffered a minor setback: South Carolina withdrew from the 20 states lined up with the Justice Department against the computer software giant. South Carolina Attorney General Charlie Condon said the state changed its mind after America Online announced plans to merge with Netscape. That showed competition for the Internet was indeed alive, said Condon, a Republican. The defection had nothing to do with the $20,000 contribution Microsoft made to South Carolina's Republican Party for the 1998 election, spokesman Tom Landess said.

(Frankly, I do not begrudge Gates his money, its his disruption of the computer industry that annoys me. I am willing to personally pledge $100 a year to a green-mail fund if Bill will just go away and stop screwing up the software world, who's with me?!) But the Skink's article ended with this gem:

Of course this could just be a matter of software version skew, but either way it looks deliciously bad for Microsoft:

Microsoft cuts questioning of expert short in trial

By David Lawsky

Tuesday December 15 2:10 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Microsoft abruptly cut short its cross- examination of a Princeton University computer expert at its antitrust trial Monday after the judge criticized the company's line of questioning.

Princeton University professor Edward Felten had demonstrated to the court earlier in the day a way to separate Microsoft Corp. Internet Explorer web browser program from its Windows 98 operating system - something Microsoft has said can't be done.

When a Microsoft lawyer declared that Felten's program had big problems, the professor replied that his method worked fine until after he gave his code to Microsoft. ``Microsoft modified (Windows 98) on Dec. 4 in a way that made it incompatible,'' Felten said.

Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson immediately jumped in. ``Are you telling me that as part of discovery you provide this code in September, whereupon there appears to have been product changes by Microsoft?'' Jackson asked in astonishment.

Felten answered ``yes.''

Outside court, Microsoft's Tod Neilsen, who works with outside software developers, said a preliminary version of Internet Explorer 5.0 might have caused the problem Felten experienced but it would not have been intentional...

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "terrible service,"

3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go,"

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up,"

7. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way,"

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

9. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

10. Honk and wave at strangers.

11. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

12. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.

13. Type only in lower case.

14. Dot use any punctuation either

15. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now,"

17. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

18. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed up." And repeat.

19. Ask people what gender they are.

20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

22. Sing along at the opera.

23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

24. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles,"

25. Tell your friends 5 days prior that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

26. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send things like this.

Oh, I cringed when I read the last line of your generally pleasant column: "how do you feel about the current format of my digressions, which are launched as Java applets (so they don't cover up the main column). "

The LAST thing these pop-up windows are are Java applets! Nonesuch! They're simply pop-up windows launched by a JavaScript tag. Absolutely no relation to the Java programming language.

I would refer you to the trusty TechEncyclopedia for starters, but its definition is muddled. To put it simply, JavaScript was named as it was simply to ride the wave of enthusiasm for Java.

As for whether or not we want the pop-ups: I noticed that this week's column had none, and was none the worse.

In addition to problems with non-Java browsers, the digressions act incorrectly in a Java browser if you try to open one of them in a new window (which is what I tried to do with your digressions until I figured
out you were trying to do it for me). I prefer feeling like I'm in control of whether I get a new window or not when I click on a link. I also seem to recall some problems on my home Mac, although I'm sure your Mac audience is even smaller than your Pine and Lynx audience :-).

P.S. Wasn't Jerry Colonna a comedian in the '50s?

Tell them to get with the new Millenium. Anyone trying to surf the Web with a text only browser, palm pilot or Wannabe PC/Cell Phone and is surprised that not everything is available to them deserves to be partly in the dark.

Maybe you should have an alternative version which uses ASCII characters only and is accessible by people whose text editor is still EMACS.

I agree with your impeachment column (although it sounds suspiciously like the points that Bill Maher has been making every night for the last 2 months). I would make only one amendment.

If Bubba had any guts at all he would have said either:

-"It's none of your god-damned business what I do in my private life."

Or

"I did it and it was a big mistake"

Whether his offense is impeachable or not is not a legal issue, it is a political issue since the Senate is set up as a political court, not a legal court despite the Chief Justice presiding, etc. He will never be impeached due to the number of Democrats in the Senate-it has nothing to do with conscience-it has more to do with campaign funding.

By lying to the people he has caused more of an irreparable breach than lying to his wife (although we don't know that he did lie to her, do we?). If he had any class he would resign. (It's also probably the only way that Al Gore would have a chance of becoming President-it's about time we had a President who answered his own Email).