TOP TEN TELEVISION SHOWS IN IRAQ
10. "Husseinfeld"
9. "Mad About Everything"
8. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
7. "Suddenly Sanctions"
6. "Allah McBeal"
5. "Wheel of Misfortune and Terror"
4. "Party of Five Misinformed U.N. Inspectors"
3. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
2. "Buffy, The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
AND THE NUMBER ONE TELEVISION SHOW IN IRAQ:
1. "Just Shoot Me"
* * *
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "
redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you
should know something..."
"I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2",
225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a
redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says: "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
* * *
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you
get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* * *
Psychiatrist have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies
provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10, I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting,
carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible.
No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their
Oreo's
this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok,
not
to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous
in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive
and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to
go the speed limit
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have
a
million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs
and
suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat
unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You
are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a
propensity
towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things
apart
to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back
together,
so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your
involvement
when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not
criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you
want
and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for
others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care,
you
got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -
immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go
to
up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you
buy,
own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You
are
a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you
* * *
Sayings That Should Be On Buttons...
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on
my cat.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after
them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
* * *
Thursday January 14 2:22 PM ET
Man Crashes Car As 50 Pagers Ring At Once
KIEV (Reuters) - A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each
member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of
them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post,
a newspaper said Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the
accident happened, the Fakty daily reported. ''With no more than 100
meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly
burst out screeching. The businessman's fright was such that he simply
let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.''
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned
his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read:
''Congratulations on a successful purchase
* * *
In a message dated 1/14/99 5:57:08 PM, you wrote:
<< Two men were golfing one summer day. As one is about to step up on the
18th green and attempt a putt, they notice a funeral procession drive
by on the nearby road. The golfer steps back form his putt, removes his
hat, and bows his head to show respect for the deceased. After the
processions has passed, he replaces his cap and sinks his putt. His
playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and makes a note
to mention it.
Afterwards, as the golfers relax in the clubhouse with a drink while
they total the day's scores, the second golfer mentions the events on
the 18th hole. "You know, Fred, that was a very decent thing you
did, showing respect like that. I was touched."
Fred simply shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, it was the least
I could do...after all I was married to her for nearly 40 years."
* * *
In a message dated 1/15/99 9:58:24 PM, you wrote:
<<
You might be an Internet junkie if you:
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go the bathroom and stop to
check your e-mail on the way back.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed
with Netscape Navigator 3./0 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Yahoo, and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty
feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. On an airplane you put your computer in your lap
and the baby in the overhead.
6. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
7. You start using smileys in your e-mail. :)
8. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged
in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the
phone and manually dial your service providers access number. You
try humming
to communicate with their modem. (If you actually connect that
way, you
REALLY need help.
9. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com.
10. All of your friends have an @ in their names too.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages".
You check it again.
12. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
13. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
14. Your service provider calls YOU for tech support.
15. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
16. You tell the cab driver you live at
"http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick,html
17. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
18. After reading this, you immediately copy'n'paste it on an e-mail to
all your friends.
* * *
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
* * *
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by
transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The
following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way
too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -
Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet,
pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
* * *
YESTERDAY
--------
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
============================================
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users,
where do they all come from?
All the lonely users,
why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look
at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to
compile; It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
===================================
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
==================================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
------------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
=========================
Something
---------
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
* * *
You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if:
- You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best
jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh
wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your
spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for
you."
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get
every January.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
- Change is the norm.
- Nepotism is encouraged.
- The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are
hanging in your cube.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
* * *
Here is a specal alert for all who worry about the language.
EURO ENGLISH
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for
European communications, rather than German, which was the other
possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will
be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would
go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
* * *
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them
to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to
others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.