I Cnt Gt Enuf Of Thos Rdrs Dgst Cndnsd Bks...or Harry Potter Bks

By Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

The Harry Potter Automatic News Aggregator (HPANA) gives complete Harry Potter coverage from top news sources, and it's updated every 30 minutes. With tongue firmly implanted in MY cheek, here's what's happening:

  • Approximately 7,680 copies of the long- awaited fifth Harry Potter book ("Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix") were stolen on June 15. J. K. Rowling knows about the theft and is being kept fully informed of all developments.
  • Cops have warned Pottermaniacs that if they get a stolen copy, they will face criminal charges.
  • William Petersen, who stars in "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," was called back from his honeymoon to assist in locating the perpetrators. The empty van will be forensically examined by the dedicated and clearly obsessive/compulsive team of Gil Grissom (William Petersen), Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) and their fellow crime-scene investigators.
  • Rumor has it that domestic maven, Martha Stewart, was photographed reading "Order of the Phoenix" in the Manhattan Federal Court two days PRIOR to its June 2l sale date. A Stewart spokesman declined to comment.
  • An 8-year-old student was suspended for three days for calling his favorite teacher, "Professor Snape."
  • Steve Martin ("Shouts & Murmurs") will add "Order of the Phoenix" to his list of The Hundred Greatest Books That I've Read." It will be placed at #68, right before "Omelette-Olga: Mneomonic Devices for Remembering Waitresses' Names" and right after "The Fine Art of Prescribing Glasses Without Making a Spectacle of Yourself."
  • P.T.A. groups will meet to discuss "Is Harry Potter Harmful to Children?"
  • Tourism will be at an all-time high in Potter Brook, PA, Potter, NJ, Potter, AR, and Potter, AK.
  • Child-development experts and arrested- development experts agree that Harry Potter's impact on society has been enormous.
  • The New York State English Regents will offer the following 500-word essay question:
  • "Write a job description for the position of Hogwarts Librarian. Discuss why the librarian does not appear in the first Potter book. Is this related to funding? How did the books magically put themselves back on the shelves?"
  • Battery sales are up 12.5% as kids read Harry Potter after lights out.
  • Harry Potter tops the list of books considered to be banned from school libraries. Other books challenged include the Bible, two of Judy Blume's books,"The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby" by Dave Pilkey, and "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi.
  • Will Shortz will include the following Q's in his next puzzle:
    • 17 across Powder that allows wizards to teleport
    • 50 across Length of bookstore line when Harry Potter book comes out
    • 62 across Quidditch position
  • Builders of new homes will name one of their streets "Privet Drive."
  • To many Americans, the simple phrase "Dick and Jane" will be changed to "Dick, Harry and Jane."
  • Alpha Books will publish "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Harry Potter.".
  • All Montessori schools will offer a class called "Muggle Studies," where kids learn about the ways that Muggles live and how they survive without magic.
  • A USPS spokesman will warn people to stay at home if they're expecting Amazon.com to deliver the Harry Potter book. It's so large-- 768 pages--that it won't fit in most people's mailboxes.
  • The absentee rate at elementary schools in the U.S. during the week of June 23 is 54.5%. The students are either shopping for camp stuff or waiting at the mailbox.
  • Stanley Kaplan, the SAT maven, will include the following math problems in his prep courses:
    • In a big Quidditch match, Harry's teammates on the Gryffindors scored 15 points. Hufflepuff, their opponent, scored 165 points. At the last moment, Harry caught the Snitch for 150 points. What was the outcome of the match?
      (Answer): It was a tie.
  • Members of the clergy report in sermons that Harry Potter's 5th book is longer than the New Testament. Many summarize with these words: "wisdom or prfundity aren't necessarity linked to length."
  • Telephone answering machines will offer the following message:
    • [EXCITED] "Hey, I'm glad you called. Have I got some incredible news for you! You're not gonna believe this! I was FIRST on line at Borders to fork over $29.9 for HP 5. Oh, by the way, I passed my 'Math A' Regents exam." BEEP..

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is a retired business educator and free-lance writer from Syosset, New York.

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