Well, today was my first day of classes, kind of. I went to a Chinese kou yu ke this morning to check it out. It might work for me, but I'm hoping the Wednesday version of the same class will be more energetic. This class only had six students in it, three who were Dutch students, me, and then two Dutch women who had lived in China or taught Chinese before themselves. Everyone seemed nice enough, but people weren't being very responsive to the teacher. I'm going to go get the book after this, since it's the same book whether I take it on Monday or Wednesday, the difference is just the pace.

I actually had a somewhat frustrating morning because I got to the class at 8:45, no one there, class starts at 9, I spend my free time talking to some Chinese students standing in the hall waiting to take a Dutch language class. 9 comes and their class starts, but still no one has come for mine. It turns out the Dutch student 9:00 is actually 9:15. No one told me. I panicked, biked to the nearby Chinese department building harassed some poor Chinese history teacher into looking up the information for me and then translating the Dutch, and it turns out the classroom and times were right, I just wasn't reading between the lines about what nine meant. Oh well, I joined the class while she was still doing the introduction.

September 15, 2004

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

The Burning Man Festival is "an annual art festival and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada." In reality, though, it's pretty much a big, dusty rave.

13> "You make the mud tacos and I'll inflate the walrus!"

12> "You can call it a Port-a-Potty if you like, but I call it performance art."

11> "Wait, you're a former dot-com programmer who lost his job and decided to drive around the country aimlessly? No way! Me, too!"

10> "No kidding? *I* like Nader, too!"

9> "So when you compare the avant-garde work of El Lissitzky with the 'transatlantic' paintings of Piet Mondrian, one is drawn to... Dude! Naked chicks in the mud pit! Woo-hoo!"

8> "Bummer, man. But then, that's the risk you take at a clothing-optional barbecue."

7> "All those in favor of changing the name to 'Burning Person,' please so signify."

6> "No, you want the Burning and Itching Man Festival. Just head toward Vegas -- you can't miss it."

5> "This thing is getting too cushy -- they even provided a hole to use as a toilet this year."

4> "Put that cigarette out! This is a no-smoking fire zone!"

3> "Does this exposed penis make me look fat?"

2> "I've reached my inner dung beetle this year!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Burning Man Festival...

1> "We are here to service the physical, spiritual, emotional and psychic needs of our astro-travelling clientele -- and sell cold beer for three-fifty a can."

September 14, 2004

16> "Pray, friend, taketh thee my goodwyfe... please."

15> "I just got in from New Paltz, and boy, is my horse-whipping arm tired!"

14> "Is this thing on? Oh, wait -- I'm Amish. I guess not."

13> "So I said, 'If I told thee that was a great shapeless outfit thou art wearing, wouldst thou hold it against me?'"

12> "Say, Ezekiel, art thou raising a silo on thy property, or be thou joyous to see me?"

11> "Two men a night. But seriously, folks...."

10> "Aren't thee rapturous I didn't sayeth 'orange' again? No, wait... scourge of Satan! Again I erred!"

9> "Don't you loathe it when you're stuck behind a buggy-driving elder who keeps his arm extended outside the buggy yet never turns left?"

8> "A guy walks into a bar... and gets shunned!"

7> "... and now that they're hitched, she's got a bearded Clem!"

6> "If you want those in black, you'll have to go to Brother Frederick's -- of Hollywood."

5> "Twenty mules, a sack of flour and a stout ox -- same as in Intercourse."

4> "'Twas not a pitchfork I used to ring thy doorbell, sister Rebecca."

3> "Thy mother is so stupid, she only has three sons named Samuel!"

2> "My magnificent erection? Why, thou art most welcome, dear Mary, but the whole town deserves thanks for thine new barn!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Amish Comedian Punchline...

1> "So dis is how I'd look vit a beard, Elder Daniel!"

September 13, 2004

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Some topics are much more important than others. This particular one concerns no less than the national security of all Americans.

Don't thank us, folks -- we're just doing our patriotic duty.

20> Tom Ridge warns of a plan to hijack a ship and sail it off the edge of the earth.

19> Morocco said to be aiding terrorists and all letters of transit issued there are suspect. Warrant issued for one Victor Laszlo.

18> The name "D. B. Cooper" just popped up on the no-fly list.

17> New York City is warned of a credible threat from Bronx bombers.

16> Latest report: Biological weapons are being smuggled down the Mississippi River by al-Qaeda operatives Ha-Kal-Berry and Jim.

15> The latest memo of an impending invasion of Iraq has everyone on edge.

14> Terrorism suspected in case of Hawaiian boat missing after a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.

13> All-points-bulletin issued for anyone who's seen Texas Air National Guard Lieutenant George W. Bush.

12> Radio intercepts provide "credible evidence" of a foreign attack on Grovers Mill, NJ, on Halloween night.

11> Governor Schwarzenegger forcibly detained after intelligence indicates that a bad actor planned to shoot the president at a theater.

10> Source in Rome tells them to pencil in March 15 as a Red Alert day.

9> "The latest intercepted instructions are still being translated, but this much we know: 'One if by lamb, two if by seed.'"

8> Lots of concern about a recently intercepted missive from a mysterious agent Zoso regarding Kashmir.

7> Imminent worldwide biological attack reportedly involves a mysterious new virus known only as "Wyetookay."

6> President Bush announces that the impending threat of secession on the part of Southern states will be met with "shock and awe" campaign of musket fire.

5> We go to Orange Alert when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

4> Recently received video claiming responsibility for the killing of the radio star.

3> Tom Ridge keeps trying to TiVo the new "Friends" season.

2> Intelligence shows terrorist Fred bin Flintstone is planning to hijack a pterodactyl and fly it over key bowling alleys.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the Department of Homeland Security Is Getting Outdated Information...

1> "Be on the lookout for Egyptian terror leader Hassim el-Rashid Imhotep, a.k.a. Birdie Eye Leaf Leaf Squiggle Birdie Kneeling-Guy Bent-Stick Lion Squiggle."

You know from previous letters that I have a fine contempt for most Republican politics. I have that same contempt for specious reasoning from any direction. I am an unflinching liberal. A tax and spend liberal: tax the rich and spend it on the poor. You probably didn't know that I am also a gun owning, second amendment quoting, unflinching, tax and spend liberal.

The major problem with the assault weapons ban was that it dealt not with reality, but appearance. Here is an instructive anecdote from another arena; a letter a few years ago to National Geographic asked this question: "What is the difference between an archaeologist and a grave robber?" (There was controversy over their having unearthed the oldest mummies in the New World) Their one-word answer: "Intent." And that is the crux of the problem of defining the term. Imagine two items, A baseball bat and an AR-15 with an Afgani muzzle brake and a collapsible stock. Which is the assault weapon? The one used to kill Mulugeta Seraw -- the baseball bat. The owner of the rifle uses it in competitive, sanctioned matches on weekends.

The minor problem with the assault weapon ban was that it was redundant: it was already against the law to shoot people, or to rob them at gunpoint, or to commit any other crime with a weapon.

Don't get me wrong, I am in favor of having to prove you are not a criminal in order to buy a gun. Control of gun ownership is not necessarily a bad thing. The background check law has kept guns out of many criminals' hands. It probably didn't get many of them arrested. If you are a convicted felon, you don't go into a store and attempt to purchase a gun if you know the police will be notified that you did.